she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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