apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
