I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
