whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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