My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
