I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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