guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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