literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
