I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
