I wish I could punch you in the face.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
