Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
