I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
