she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
