YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
