i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
