I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
