I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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