I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
