Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
