Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
