She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
