But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
