so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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