She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
