i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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