I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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