hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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