i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
