God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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