btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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