At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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