just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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