I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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