I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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