when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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