worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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