his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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