sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
