Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
