I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
