Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
