i permit you to call me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I cut my penus on the lid.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
