I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
