So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
