Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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