I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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