i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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