I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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