She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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