his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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