Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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