I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
