maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
