Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
