Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
