Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize
