Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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