But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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