So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
