Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
